I offer myself to be the new assistant manager.
Phrases that I use like;
-X player do't appered, you should change him-
-Y player perform bad in right side, maybe you should move him in a better position-
-Z Player seems so aggressive and have a yellow, so you should change him
or
W player failed 2 freekicks, seems is not his day and you should give a chance to another player-
..would be my suggestions.
YOY.
-you have a amount of potatoes! where have you trained them? in a supermarket hunting pizzas??? better do a fire and do a camping in the middfield and think train for tomorrow's match!!